Domestic Violence – On Size Does Not Fit All

We live in a world where people, especially those who are politically correct wish to make everything one size fits all. In this blog, I am going to focus on domestic violence where everyone wants to claim it is always an issue of power control, and why we should question that.

Years ago, a study was done and found that rape was a crime of power, control and violence against women by men who hate women and their own mothers. This was found to be after a series of interviews of many convicted rapist serving their sentences in prison for rape. A follow up study was done with the same rapists after their release from prison and parole/probation was complete. A very different finding that was found that was not academically accepted because it went against the grain. Many of these rapists stated they gave answers they knew the interviews were seeking hoping to reduce their time in prison and gain earlier release. They stated that they loved their moms, had great relationships with their moms, and did not hate women at all, but that they had impulse control issues. They saw the woman, got turned on, became uncontrollably horny, and could not stop themselves even though they knew it was wrong.

Though these rapists were not committing domestic violence, I think you get the point. People conduct studies in an attempt to prove their own theory, and to not find the truth; and then those they ask, give answers they sense are desired, especially when it can affect the length and severity of the punishment they receive. In other words, the researchers cause the outcome they seek.

Is power and control a cause of domestic violence, to that I give a great big hell yeah, but it is by far NOT the single cause, nor the biggest cause. Sometimes it is drugs and/or alcohol, without which, there would have been no violence. Sometimes it is being pushed to the breaking point. Sometimes it is self-defense. Sometimes it is a lack of self-control. Sometimes it is two personalities that bring out the worst in each other.

A large cause of domestic violence is fake domestic violence to prove the father of a child(ren) does not live with the mother for purposes of public assistance. When I hosted talk radio I myself would follow and listen to many going to and leaving Family Court. They come to court in one car, talk about the kids and what they were doing later. He would go into courtroom, consent to the order of protection with a stay away without admission or finding, leave court holding hands talking about what was for dinner.  Others recorded this back then for me as well. I wish I had preserved the secret recordings.

I was an intern in the Domestic Violence clinic in Suffolk County as part of the Family Law Clinic when I went to law school in or about 1997. There were women who came in looking for an order of protection who were the clear cut instigator and/or initial offender with the man only defending himself or finally losing it. One was a man who shoved his girlfriend into the wall after she spit in his face and kicked him in the balls. This was her story, not his. I refused to help her get an order of protection and someone else from the clinic had to help her.

Also when I was an intern in the Domestic Violence clinic, there was a mother who had sought orders of protection many times against her husband, only to drop it and let him back home. She needed medical care many times due to his violence. He had self control problems, anger management issues and a bad temper. It was not about controlling her. She was convenient to

take it out on. They each loved each other dearly. When the County Attorney heard he caused her to need 32 stiches and the child witnessed the violence, he said the County will file a neglect if she withdraws (I did arrange this behind everyone’s back). The husband begged his wife on his hands and knees not to withdraw because he loved her and the children dearly and did not want her to risk the losing children. Extremely dysfunctional, but true love nonetheless, I think…

I have seen many couples leave the Courtroom in the Courthouse and Court Officers rush over to intervene. More than once, as they went to arrest the worng person (usually the man) after he screams out “get away from me” and she yells “help he won’t leave me alone” I stepped over and stated “she will not get out of his face, every time he tried to change direction, she got in front of him, he kept telling her to leave him alone. It was her not him.” The few times this occurred, I handed the man my business card stating to call me as a witness not as a lawyer.

A study was done that found that 50% of all domestic violence is mutual battering with either spouse hitting first on any given day; 25% is classic man hits woman, and 25% is woman hits man. (See https://www.macenylaw.com/politics-of-domestic-violence/) The problem though is that a woman is seven (7) times more likely to require medical attention when hit by a man than a man is when hit by a woman. The sad thing is that too many women and people in society in general think it is okay for a woman to hit a man, and only wrong if the man hits the woman. It is wrong if anyone hits anyone else. If you hit someone else, expect to be hit back. If you do not want to risk getting hit, do not hit anyone else.

Let us not forget the victim who sees the alleged abuser getting very angry and knows that individual has control issues and loses it getting violent but does not back off when warned by that alleged abuser that he or she is about to lose control. Here I am not blaming the victim, I am calling the victim stupid for not backing off.

The worst part is that too often nothing at all happened, it is just a ploy for divorce or custody court. One hearing I did, both parties alleged the other party was loud, aggressive and abusive during the visitation exchange in a police precinct. The on duty officers were subpoenaed as well as the surveillance tape. Nothing at all occurred at the exchange, they were both on good behavior.

I have been in Family Court representing men who the Judge in (years past) laughed out of Court that he could not be afraid of the little lady (who chased him with a baseball bat).  Cops have refused to take serious men who call for domestic violence by their wife or girlfriend, but arrest the man when called by that same woman another time, or even when called by the man.

The bottom line, there are multiple causes for domestic violence and multiple possible resolutions. It is not all about power and control. Unless the politically correct and wrong in reality views are discarded to actually address the problem in reality, it may never diminish. But then, the entire system and cottage industry built up around it will lose jobs and revenue, so I doubt the needed changes will ever be had.